Harry Potter and the Mirror of Etam Luos
by Moose Attacks
Summary: There's a new mirror at Hogwarts one that tells you your soul mate! But is Harry Potter ready for this? And who will he have to battle before the end? FIND OUT.
1. The fucking mirror!

**Harry Potter and the Mirror of Etam Luos**

**Chapter 1: The Fucking Mirror**

Once upon a time in a distant rural area in Scotland, there lived a boy named Harry Potter. Harry Potter was a wizard and lived among all of his other witch and wizard friends at a giant castle of a boarding school called HOGWARTS. But today at Hogwarts was not just any ordinary day at Hogwarts. Today was the day of the SORTING. Not the beginning of the year sorting, but an entirely different kind of sorting all together. Today Harry Potter and everyone at Hogwarts above year five were going to find out who their soul mate was. It was an ancient tradition that was forgotten about for centuries. Harry was really hoping that his soul mate would be his girlfriend Ginny Weasley, his best friends little sister.

The entire student body was ushered into the astronomy tower; those who were in year five or below would be observing. McGonagall was standing in the middle of the room, but instead of the stool and the sorting hat, she was standing beside a large gilded mirror. It was the Mirror of Etam Luos, and its function was to show you who your soul mate was.

Needless to say, except I guess not, because I just said it, Harry Potter was feeling nervous. He wanted his soul mate to be Ginny, because after all, it would be kind of awkward if it wasn't, and he guessed they would have to break up or something. He also wanted red-headed babies. The Sorting commenced, and Harry was so anxious that he hardly noticed when Blaise Zabini was paired with Neville Longbottom.

Then Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and read, "HARRY POTTER!"

Harry stepped in front of the mirror and gasped. It wasn't Ginny he saw, but Professor McGonagall herself! "...P-Professor?" Harry exclaimed.

"Well?" McGonagall asked, "Step aside boy, let us see who your TRUE LOVE is!"

"B-b-b-but... Professor...McGonagall?" Harry studdered nervously and stared disbelievingly into the mirror. From the back, Draco Malfoy straightened his robes and perfected his hair in his pocket mirror, getting ready for Harry, the love of his life, the apple of his eye, to say that it was him. He could just imagine them living out their days in matrimony in a two story house with a white picket fence. Their two children ran around the yard, one little girl, Dracona, with curly blonde hair and green eyes, and one little boy, Harrjameriusmus, with black hair and silver blue eyes, just like the moonlit sky on a very strange night.. Harry and Draco sat in lawn chairs on the front porch, sipping lemonade and watching their children. Harry was extremely pregnant and Draco was sexy as ever. As Draco came out of his fantasy, he realised that Harry was still staring dumbfounded at the mirror.

"Potter!" he yelled, "Let us see it!" When Harry still would not move, Draco ran over and pushed him aside. What he saw shocked the life of him, and he fell to the ground, dead.

In the resulting chaos, several more Hogwarts students died, caught in an unfortunate stampede. Professor McGonagall attempted to resuscitate Draco, but he was dead as a doornail, so they sent him down to the kitchens to be made into delicious snacks.

Meanwhile, Harry did not want anyone to know what he had seen in the mirror. He felt shocked and flabbergasted.

"What's going on, mate?" said Ron, whilst munching on a delicious galaxy chocolate bar.

"I'm sure I have no idea, Mr Weasley!" Harry exclaimed, quite vexed indeed. Then he ran to the window of the astronomy tower and jumped out. Hermione screamed, but he didn't fall. Instead, he sprouted large black wings and soared toward the Forbidden Forest.

Little did Harry know that his angst would soon be over.

McGonagall looked infront of the Mirror of Etam Luos and saw Harry's result. "Oh dear," she said, "This has happened to the last six students, the mirror turned transparent instead of showing their true love! I better fix this!" She kicked the feet of the mirror, and the surface flickered and turned into a mirror again. McGonagall called Dumbledore down to re-enchant the mirror, and all was normal.

Two students were crossing the Hogwarts grounds, searching endlessly for Harry Potter to get him to come back up and be re-sorted. "Harry...!" the younger one called, looking towards the Forbidden Forest.

"HAAAAARRY!" the other exclaimed, pointing up into the sky. Harry looked down, was caught off guard, and fell to the ground. The two students rushed over to him only to find a single black feather, but no sign of Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived had vanished into thin air!

"Where could he have gone!" cried Ginny, who was the younger of the two students.

"I don't know," said Tom Riddle, the older. "But I don't like the looks of this at all."

"You can't apparate within Hogwarts grounds," Hermione informed them. "It says so, in - "

"Then he must still be somewhere in the school!" Ginny interrupted. They all ignored the logic of this claim, and rushed off to locate Harry Potter.

Sure enough, Harry Potter was in the school. He had been magically transported back up the astronomy tower by Dumbledore, who is not dead because that hasn't happened yet. Anyway, Dumbledore snapped his fingers and Harry in all his winged glory crashed into the tower, killing about three or for more students in the process. They were all Hufflepuffs, so no one really cared that much.

"Harry!" Draco exclaimed, rising from the dead. "Your transformation into a Harlewitkanesqqzw saved my life! Your love brought be back from the dead! Come to me, my lovely bitch!" Draco ran to Harry, grabbing him in a tight embrace and sticking his tongue down his throat.

Harry shoved Draco off. "Ew. You are a whore. I'm not your bitch lover, I'm Ginny's. Fo lyfe, yo." he explained. McGonagall cleared her throat.

"Ahem. If we could carry on, Harry still needs to be given a soul mate." Draco clicked his heels in anticipation and blew kisses at Harry. Harry grimaced, stepping back infront of the mirror. Seeing his soulmate, his eyes rolled back into his head and he promptly fainted.

"WHO IS IT?1?1?1?1!11!1/111?1one!11?" everyone collectively yelled. McGonagall peeked at the mirror and saw...

HAGRID!

"Wait, this can't be right, the reception must be off on this thing..." McGonagall muttered, hitting the top of the mirror a few time with her fist. The image flickered and changed to Harry Potter's actual soul mate, but nobody could see who it was, because McGonagall was being very impolite and blocking the mirror.

"Mr Potter? Mr Potter, please wake up now and see your soul mate."

Harry's beautiful emerald eyes fluttered open. He was staring at the most beautiful silver moon. Well, two moons. Except they were eyes, not moons. They were Draco Malfoy's eyes. And they weren't really Draco Malfoy's, they were on an image of Draco Malfoy, in the Mirror of Etam Luos. Harry groaned.

"Uggggghhhhhhwhejhwdnjs. Why does this always happen to me?" He kicked the mirror and it spun around to face the crowd. Everyone gasped. Draco Malfoy saw himself.

"Damn, I look good. HOLY SHIT! I'm Harry Potter's soul mate! fo shizzle!" With that he jumped ontop of Harry and they like, omgz totally made out. Then they made sweet luv to a Barry Manilow record, because Harry was totally in love with him now because he saw the error of his ways. Everyone was dumbfounded but no one left because they thought it was omgz so hot.

After Harry and Draco's impromptu porno had come to an end, and all of the students had retired to bed, and the castle was dark, Voldemort sat in the middle of the lake on an inflatable pool chair and laughed maniacally to himself.

"My Lord? What's so funny now?" Lucius, who was not well-pleased, inquired. Lucius's long, glorious blond locks were hidden under a bathing cap, because Voldemort had allowed him only a purple floaty to tread water with.

"Nothing, Malfoy, nothing... I assure you... MUAHAHAHA!" was Voldemort's sinister reply.

"...Right," said Lucius, and contemplated the merits of drowning himself.

Suddenly, a mermaid jumped out of the water and landed on Voldemort's lap.

"Holy mother!" yelled Voldemort.

"That's right!" The mermaid said. Voldemort tilted his withered, plasticy head.

"Whatchu say?" he asked the fair maiden.

"I am yo baby's MOMMA!" she told him matter of factly. Voldemort gasped.

"You're that bitch that I slept with 16 years ago on my deep sea adventure!" he pieced together. Lucius looked at them both like they had just taken some bad E and they wuz trippin'.

"Yah," the mermaid said. "He goes to Hogwarts now. You prolly know him, he's pretty kewl."

"Oh?" asked Voldemort.

"Ya," said the Mermaid, tossing her soggy locks. "He's in sixth year now. He's some kinda mofo."

"Uh," said Voldemort, "is that good?"

"U can b teh judge of dat," the Mermaid said cryptically, and then yelled, "HEY, SON! COME MEET YO DADDY!"

Speeding across the lake toward them on an aquatic bicycle was...

Dean Thomas.

"WTF!" Voldemort shrieked. "YOU BITCH. THAT AINT MY BABY, I'M 7000003385734.42 SURE THAT THAT AIN'T MAH BABY! THAT BABY IS BLACK! And he ain't go mah beautiful face!" he stroked his snake-like nose lovingly.

"Well, bitch, I'll have you know that my side of the family is part BLACK IRISH. So all the black came through in him, but I know he's yo baby 'cause I was a virgin before that and mermaids mate fo lyfe, yo!" the mermaid explained, and gave a kiss to her son's beautiful face.

"Oh, sweet," said Voldemort. "So, mermaid lady, will you marry me now, and Dean, will you join the fucking dark side and help me kill Harry Potter!"

"Uh," said Dean, "I don't know, what kind of benefits are there?"

"Well, there's a full dental plan," Voldemort answered, "and a pretty good insurance policy -"

"And Happy Hour every Wednesday from four till five," Lucius chimed in.

"Okay then," said Dean. "I'll join the fucking dark side and help you kill Harry Potter."

Back at the castle, Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were out for a 2 a.m. stroll.

"Fine night," Dumbledore remarked lightly.

"Indeed," said McGonagall. "Even Voldemort and Lucius seem to be enjoying it."

"But who is that with them?" Dumbledore squinted toward the lake. "My eyesight isn't what it used to be, you know, Minerva."

"It appears to be the Mermaid ho that Voldemort had a fling with sixteen years ago, and their black love child, Dean Thomas."

"Ah," said Dumbledore. "Sherbet lemon?"

A/N omgz plz review!


	2. the birth of the kill, yo

**CHAPTER 2.**

**the birth of the kill, yo**

Harry Potter was leaning over his balcony, the one that they just installed in the dormitory to aid teenage emo punk scene hipster kids commit suicide more easily, and he was smoking cigarette. He and Draco Malfoy, his new luva, had just had SEX for 6 hours striaght.

"Harry, dearest!" called Draco. "I love you!"

"I love you too snookums!" said Harry. Just then, Harry spotted a snake on the lake.

"WHAT THE FUCK. I SAID THAT I WANTED THOSE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING LAKE!" he yelled, stomping the ground and taking a hissyfit.

"That's no snake," said Samuel L. Jackson. "That's Voldemort."

"Shit!" Harry ejaculated furiously. He jumped off the balcony, expanding his dramatic new black wings, and soared to the middle of the lake.

"Fancy that," said Lucius, as Harry Potter swooped down toward them.

"STOP HIM!" Voldemort demanded, and Dean Thomas turned to point his wand toward Harry.

"What the hell, Dean!" Harry shouted, his black wings flapping as he hovered in the air, creating ripples across the sable surface of the lake, "I thought we were cool! I thought you was my friend!"

"I thought so too, until I heard about the amazing dental plan that the dark side possesses!" Dean yelled back. "Harry, you have no idea... the floss! The floride! The fabulous whitening toothpaste! What would you have done!"

"That's a good question," Voldemort said suddenly. "Or rather, what would he have done for a klondike bar? I have heard that Harry Potter can resist anything... except a klondike bar."

"NOO!" Harry exclaimed, entirely unconvincing.

"Unleash the klondike bars!" Voldemort said wickedly.

But suddenly Samuel L. Jackson appeared, looking strained. "Yo, muthafuckas!" he addressed them. "Is you two the foos who can talk to snakes!"

"Yes..." said Harry and Voldemort.

"I NEED YOUR HELP!" said Samuel. "Quick, get on the plane!"

3 hours later, Harry, Voldemort, and the snakes on the plane were sitting in a circle, having a deep conversation.

"So you see," Harry hissed, "That's why you need to get off the plane." The snakes nodded in agreement.

"Okay, we understand," they replied, and slithered out through the emergency escape hatch.

"Damn!" said Samuel L. Jackson. "What could I ever do to repay you?"

"Well..." Voldemort and Harry said in unison, looking at eachother knowingly.

But they were interrupted by the Villain of the Movie bursting onto the scene!

"Where the fuck are my motherfucking snakes!" the villain yelled.

"I took care of them," Harry said calmly. "And now you're going to Azkaban."

"ON WHAT CHARGES!"

"Releasing Snakes onto a Plane, you dumbass!"

"Wait..." said Voldemort, scrutinising the villain, "I think I know you... oh yeah... I do!"

And then suddenly everyone realised who the villain was. It was...

Dean Thomas.

"What the fuck!" cried Voldemort. "My own son!" Voldemort jumped out of the plane in angst, ending his misery.

"Well, that takes care of that," said Harry, peering out one of the plane windows and watching as several snakes bit Voldemort on the way down. Just then Albus Dumbledore appeared on the plane. Dean took out his wand and pointed it at him.

"Dean," said Dumbledore. "You don't have to do this. We can hide you and your mother. Everyone will think you're dead. Like we did with Tupac and Elvis."

"Bitch PLZ," Dean replied.

"You are teh good!" Dumbledore exclaimed, his eyes twinkling like big disco balls only in eye sockets and not silver. Dean lowered his wand.

"MUTHA FUCKAZ!" Flitwick yelled, running onto the plane!

"Filius, please," Dumbledore pleaded. Flitwick pulled out a gun and shot Dumbledore 17 times in the head.

"Omg WTF!" yelled everyone.

"Haul it, Dean!" Flitwick snarled, and grabbed Dean by the arm and pulled him out the door of the plane. Everyone ran to look, but they had disappeared.

"I'm going to get them!" Harry sobbed, running toward the door.

"Harry, no, you can't!" Tupac pleaded.

"CRUCIO!" Harry shouted, and while everyone on the plane was writhing in pain, he jumped out the door as well.

Everyone on the plane stopped writing in pain and ran over to the window, watching Harry fall to his certain death. Suddenly, he sprouted his dramatic black wings and soared through the air. Everyone on the plane cheered and cheered until they realised that their pilot had been bitten by a poisonous snake and the plane was crashing to their almost certain death and destruction.

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy was staring out the window, waiting for his soul mate to come home and make super sweet sex with him. Looking up into the sky, he saw his mate flying towards him. "MY LOVE, COME TO ME!" Draco yelled, stretching out his arms.

But Harry did not listen, and made a sharp left, heading towards Hogsmeade instead.

"WTF HARRY, YOU BITCH!" Draco screamed, and ran down to the entrance hall.

Draco charged out of the school and sprinted all the way to Hogsmeade, where he reached Harry just as he was landing.

"Harry, WTF!" Draco exclaimed, balling his fists and stomping his feet.

"Sorry," said Harry as his obsidian wings disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. "I must find Dean Thomas and Professor Flitwick."

"You rather have sex with them than me, is that it?" Draco said, a tear in his eye.

"No!" Harry assured him. "But Professor Flitwick killed Dumbledore, and Dean was in on it!"

Just then, Fifty Cent appeared in a burst of gold teeth. After the blinding light had faded he said, "Yo, bitches, I don't think Prof. Dumbledore is dead, y'know what I'm sayin'?"

"Uh, no, we don't know what you're sayin'," Harry replied. "He got shot. He died. Dude!"

"That's right," said Fifty Cent, "I would have you remember that I got shot nine times and I still lived."

"Well Dumbledore got shot almost twice as much as you did, and all in the SKULL. So he is DEAD like a really DEAD thing!" Harry yelled. 50 Cent scratched his head and considered for a second.

"Well damn. I guess yo' right." With that, he disappeared in a puff of silver and gold smoke.

"So," said Draco, "what now?" Harry stared out into the open sky determinedly.

"We find Flitwick... and we kill him."

"WTF, I'm right here, bitch!" Flitwick appeared behind Draco and him and Dean grabbed him.

"Now we've got your pretty lil' BF! WTF u gonna do now!" Dean exclaimed jubilantly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo...!" yelled Harry in a fit of angst.He pulled out a gun and threw it to the ground. Then he pulled out his wand and shouted, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"No, Harry, that's illegal!" Draco warned him.

"I don't care! AVADA KEDAVRA!" the stream of green light hit Flitwick square in the chest, and he flipped around through the air like a strange, dead, small, flipping man.

"NOOOOOO!" said Dean, falling to his knees and pounding his fists into the ground.

"Save it," Harry said, rounding on him. "You're next, bitch!"

"WAIT!" yelled Voldemort. "Don't kill my son!"

"Voldemort!" cried Harry. "WTF you were totally dead 10 minutes ago. Voldemort shook his head. He walked over to Harry and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"You see, Harry... while I was falling to my almost certain death, I had an epif... epiph... fuck it, I had a moment of mental re-birth. I realised that killing all those muggles and shitheaded, good for nothing, cocksucker, mofo, inbred, retarded, chicken brained mudbloods was wrong, and that they should be treated as equals. You see, during my childhood, I was trained to be an evil, mindless, killing and hating machine. I was took under the wing of the true mastermind behind all this killing and evilnesss. His name was Filius Flitwick!"

Harry and Draco gasped. "Flitwick! No wayz! I totally thought he was on teh good side fo sho!" they said.

"Well, Harry and Draco. It's true." Voldemort solemnly said. "And since I've realised the error of my ways, I would like to ask you if you will come with me to game 7 of the Stanley Cup tonight!"

"Okay!" said Harry and Draco. They left Flitwick's body lying in the middle of the street, and trooped over to the Butterbeer Centre where the game was to be held. They took their seats and chatted pleasantly.

Then, suddenly there was a disruption, as something huge and slimey hit the ice.

"Ew! WTF was that!" Harry yelled.

"An octopus, duh," said Draco.

"No, it's not just an octopus!" Stephen Harper exclaimed. "Somebody's thrown the Giant Squid onto the ice!"

"WTF!" yelled an angry fan. "It's teh RED WINGS! They are about teh octopusses not SQUIDS. Fucking magical bitches, I knew we shouldn't have held the final in HOGSMEADE."

"THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT'S DOING!" screeched another angry fan. Stephen Harper stood up, pulled out a bazooka, and shot the angry fan. Out of the bazooka came tonnes and tonnes of red and white (and blue) confetti.

"Bitch, plz. Hockey runs the government, not the other way around," Mr. Harper explained. Everyone nodded their heads in agreement. But Harry focused his big fat emerald sparkly eyes back on the rink.

"Well, now that that's sorted out, what are we going to do about this squid?"

----

A/N thx to everyone who reviewed! plz review again!


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